took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
