Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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