Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
