maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
