i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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