I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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