you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize