Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
