Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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