grandma shit on top of the toilet
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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