I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
