This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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