just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
