Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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