If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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