She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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