I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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