Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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