I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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