i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
