is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Boobs speak an international language.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
