You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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