I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
