How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
