the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
