he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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