This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
