Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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