You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
