if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
