I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
