there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
