remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
