sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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