Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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