is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you never un-have a 4some
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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