and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
