I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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