I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize