well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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