the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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