I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
