Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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