my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
