i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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