take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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