Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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