come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
