Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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