I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
