I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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