He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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