i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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