overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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