Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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