At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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